A Guide to Heartful Communication Using the Enneagram and Meditation

“Surely there is a window from heart to heart;
They are not separate and far from each other.
Two earthenware lamps are not joined,
But their light is mingled as it moves.”
--Rumi

When our relationships are good, life is good! One of life’s most enduring joys is a good “heart to heart” talk with a friend, lover, parent, child, coworker, or sometimes even with a perfect stranger. On the other hand, one of the things that can cause us the most pain is when communication with a beloved other, family member or colleague breaks down. Have you ever lamented…I just can’t seem to get through to him...or said to yourself No matter what I say she takes it the wrong way? For most of us there is someone in our lives with whom communication is difficult. We want to have a “heart to heart” talk, but don’t know how to make it happen. Instead, we talk “at” one another. Our attempts to communicate have an unhappily predictable outcome in which I say something…then the other person says something back…and then I think to myself, oh no, here we go again! But then I say the same thing for the umpteenth time anyway, hoping against hope, maybe this time will be different! But we go round and round again and there is no connection, no understanding, and no resolution.
From our own experience, we know that positive communications leave us feeling uplifted, relaxed, and energized, but after a negative encounter we are likely to feel down, stressed, and drained. Research data now shows that the communication exchanges we have with others actually have an immediate effect on our blood pressure, heart rate, and immune system. In short, good communication makes us healthier, and bad communication makes us sick!

Life Lessons from “my” Lost Umbrella

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
--Rumi

Losing things—our car keys, purse, money in the stock market, a job, a friendship, a loved one—is a fundamental part of life. It is never a fun experience. In fact it is always painful, either a lot or a little. Yet over time great wisdom teachers seem to agree on one thing—losing is mysteriously and inextricably intertwined with finding! For example, Jesus says that if you want to find your life, you must lose it. How can this be? According to our everyday way of thinking, this makes no sense.

Welcome, I say, opening the door, inviting you to come in.  
In a word and a gesture, I say much more… Come in… I’m glad to see you… you belong here….
your needs are important…I offer you what I have…I accept you as you are…you are in the right place….

Welcoming!  How we all long for and enjoy this experience.  December more than any other month brings us into a direct encounter with welcoming traditions of hospitality that are both ancient and universal.  Through rituals of gift giving, special dinners, reaching out to the poor, and festive gatherings of family, friends, and sometimes even strangers, we welcome one another into our homes and our lives.   Unlike past generations, in our modern times we usually live apart, with few multi-generational homes and many single persons living alone. Yet in this month of December, as the hours of darkness become longer, the urge to extend hospitality grows stronger.  We call it “the holiday spirit.” Who knows? Maybe on some deep cellular level we remember our ancestors coming together in their dark caves, telling stories, singing, eating and drinking together, and taking comfort and pleasure from the warmth and light of the fire and friendly companionship!

“Fear is excitement without the breath”
--Fritz Perls

“For breath is life, and if you breathe well you will live long on earth”
--Sanskrit Proverb

Breathing…our life line! We can survive weeks without food, days without water, but only minutes without breathing. In many cultures, breathing is considered the essence of being. The word for breath in many cultures is often the same as words for spirit or the life force—prana in Sanskrit, ruach in Hebrew, spirtus in Latin, chi in Chinese. Cultures throughout history have acknowledged the role of breath in connecting the conscious and unconscious parts of ourselves; regulating the autonomic nervous system; and joining us to the nature and to other people. Remarkably, leaders in the domains of both spirituality and science agree about the centrality of breathing to the health of body and mind. Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master, author, and teacher of mindful breathing says, “Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts”.

"Meditation is not about forcing our mind to be quiet; rather it's a process to rediscover the quietness that is ever-present. Behind the screen of our internal dialogue is the silence of pure awareness-a silence that is not disturbed by thoughts of the past or concerns of the future."

--Dr. Deepak Chopra.

Meditation has become mainstream! In May 2011 ABC World news did a special report on the benefits of meditation with a focus on meditation studies done by prestigious institutions like Harvard University. According to this report, health care providers are increasingly suggesting that their patients look to meditation and other integrative techniques to improve their health.

“The purpose of life is happiness”
Dalai Lama

Happiness is a taboo topic. Even though we frequently wish others happiness, most of us are ambivalent about it. On the one hand, we want to be happy, but usually link it to a future change of state. We think we will be happy when we make the right amount of money, meet the right person, get promoted, pay off our debts, get well, complete our education, or the children grow up-- and so the list goes on. On the other hand, even admitting that we want to be happy makes us feel guilty. Our cultural work ethic looks down on the desire for happiness as superficial and selfish.

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
Epictetus

Thoughts are passing through our minds at every moment of our day, whether we notice them or not. It is like there is a multi-band radio station playing inside our heads all the time. Various internal and external events trigger them, causing us to bounce from station to station. Gifted Irish novelist James Joyce in his book Ulysses was among the first to capture this inner chaos in literature as he guides the reader into the mind of his protagonist, showing us that it is not neatly organized into structured sentences and sequential, logical thoughts, but is rather a punctuationless formless flow of constantly changing words and images, which seem at times to take on a direction and meaning, and at others to be totally meaningless.

Thomas Merton, Confessions of a Guilty Bystander”

Who am I? For thousands of years, people have been asking themselves this question. There doesn’t seem to be an easy answer. Once you go beyond identifying yourself as having a particular name, being from a certain place, being male or female, and having a role or career in life, the issue of who you are becomes infinitely complex. Within each person there seems to be a “small self”—a busy, anxious little separate “I” preoccupied with its own goals, fears, desires, and issues,; and a “big self” –the “I” that sees itself as a part of everyone and everything, and is a deep well of peace, wisdom, joy, and compassion.

“The Sage breathes from her heels…”
Tao Te Ching,

Have you ever worried about someone you love or yourself losing your balance and falling? Then you are not alone! Whatever your age, falling can have serious consequences, but especially if you are age 65 or older, the consequences of falling can actually be fatal or at least life threatening. In 2009, 18,000 older adults died from injuries received from falls, and 2.2 million were treated for nonfatal fall injuries in emergency departments.

“Your body has the ability to heal itself”

Andrew Weil, MD.

Our bodies have a remarkable built in bias toward healing. If we break one of our bones, we trust that it will heal. Not only will it heal, but we know that the place where the bone has broken will become its strongest part. Yet when our wound manifests as psychological instead of physical, this innate capacity to heal is often not as clear and we do not trust it in the same way.

Ancient Tai Chi Meditation Practice To Improve Your Heart Health
“A Happy Heart is Good Medicine”
Proverbs 17:22

What can we do to make our hearts healthier? When asked this question, most people will think in terms of adopting a heart healthy diet, beginning an aerobic exercise program, losing weight, or perhaps taking supplements or medications. BUT…how can smiling possibly make my heart healthier?