HEART TO HEART
A Guide to Heartful Communication Using the Enneagram and Meditation
“Surely there is a window from heart to heart;
They are not separate and far from each other.
Two earthenware lamps are not joined,
But their light is mingled as it moves.”
--Rumi
When our relationships are good, life is good! One of life’s most enduring joys is a good “heart to heart” talk with a friend, lover, parent, child, coworker, or sometimes even with a perfect stranger. On the other hand, one of the things that can cause us the most pain is when communication with a beloved other, family member or colleague breaks down. Have you ever lamented…I just can’t seem to get through to him...or said to yourself No matter what I say she takes it the wrong way? For most of us there is someone in our lives with whom communication is difficult. We want to have a “heart to heart” talk, but don’t know how to make it happen. Instead, we talk “at” one another. Our attempts to communicate have an unhappily predictable outcome in which I say something…then the other person says something back…and then I think to myself, oh no, here we go again! But then I say the same thing for the umpteenth time anyway, hoping against hope, maybe this time will be different! But we go round and round again and there is no connection, no understanding, and no resolution.
From our own experience, we know that positive communications leave us feeling uplifted, relaxed, and energized, but after a negative encounter we are likely to feel down, stressed, and drained. Research data now shows that the communication exchanges we have with others actually have an immediate effect on our blood pressure, heart rate, and immune system. In short, good communication makes us healthier, and bad communication makes us sick!
Heart Resonance and Mirror Neurons
Doc Childre, founder of HeartMath, explains what happens with the hearts when two people sincerely and openly communicate with one another. When two people engage in positive dialogue, their hearts are literally “on the same wave length.” The heart’s powerful electromagnetic field, measureable up to eight to ten feet away, sends out wavelike vibrational information that is detectable not only in the heart of the receiver, but also in their brain!
In his book The Mindful Brain, Neurologist Daniel Siegel explains the role of mirror neurons and what happens in the brain during a “heart to heart” talk. Mirror neurons, located in the prefrontal cortex—the same part of the brain that is stimulated and strengthened by meditation-- give us the capacity to recreate within ourselves a full sensory representation of what is happening in other people’s brains and bodies! When we have a “heart to heart” communication with another, it is literally as though we briefly become one with each other.
When we engage in communication that is stressful, frustrating, or emotionally upsetting, these amazing heart and brain connections do not occur and the separation we feel is literal, not just emotional. The major causative factor is our own fear response. Fear blocks the ability of the heart to bring the body into the state of coherence necessary to make the heart connection with another; also, when we are in a state of fear, it is the amygdala, not our prefrontal lobes, that runs the show, preparing us to fight, freeze, or run away from a perceived enemy.
But, it doesn’t have to be this way! In this article I am going to describe three steps you can take to “open the window” of communication with your significant other. And the good news is that it only takes one person in a dyad to make this shift, because our hearts and brains are hard wired for relationship and connectivity. The three steps are listed below:
- Identify the Enneagram type of your significant other so that you can understand the fear driving his or her behavior and see the world from his or her perspective, allowing you to better understand and accept them.
• Use the Enneagram Do’s and Don’ts as a guide to help you respond positively to the unspoken needs of your significant other and avoid triggering their fears and defense mechanisms.
• Practice a Compassionate Communication Meditation to strengthen your heart’s ability to bring you into coherence and stimulate your brain’s prefrontal lobes to strengthen your mirror neuron response and reduce your fear and other negative emotions.
Identify Your Significant Other’s Enneagram Type
The Enneagram, which is a blend of ancient wisdom and modern psychology, describes nine different personality types. These nine types are arranged in a diagram around the perimeter of a circle, which stands for the whole of reality as it is. None of the nine types can see the whole of reality, but each looks at a part of it through the lens of their type’s worst fear. Each type uses their own set of strategies to reduce their fear and keep themselves safe and comfortable in the face of life’s challenges.
To begin this journey of deepening your understanding of your significant other, I invite you now to look at the Enneagram Diagram (developed by Don Riso and Russ Hudson at www.enneagraminstitute.com and use it as a map to help you find your way. Follow the steps below:
- Look at each of the cartoon characters positioned around the diagram. Do any of them remind you or your significant other?
• Next read the Enneagram type descriptors, which include the worst fear of each type and both positive and negative attributes. Do you recognize any of these qualities in your significant other? (Descriptors are selected from the Wagner Enneagram Personality Styles Scale WEPSS developed by Jerome Wagner, PhD. For more information see www.enneagramspectrum.com)
As you reflect on the different Enneagram types, allow memories or associations come to you regarding the words, habits, or attitudes of your significant other. To give you a famous person example of how you might do this, I recently read a news article about the Duke basketball team. When the article was written, the team had a 12-2 winning record as well as a top 10 spot in the national rankings. Nevertheless, Coach Krzyzewski’s stated that his attention was not on these wins, but on the fact that his team had lost its last game. The reporter quoted him as saying, “I’m never completely satisfied with anything about my team. I think we are playing well, and we can play better.” With all due respect to Coach K, I would say that he sounds like an Enneagram Type One (The Reformer)! Why? Because despite the all the wonderful things about his team, the focus of his attention is still on what is wrong, i.e. the lost game. The team is good, but he would like for them to be perfect!
Don’t worry if you end up with one type on your list--this is ok! The important thing is to try on new perspectives so that you can get out of the negative communication rut where you are stuck. Remember also that much more information on the Enneagram is readily available on the internet, and there are some excellent typing instruments, many of which are free. There is also a wonderful book called The Enneagram Made Easy by Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele. It offers an excellent overview of the Enneagram, with funny illustrations that show the different types and what they are saying to themselves in different situations.
Now that you have looked at your significant other from the perspective of the Enneagram, did you have any aha’s? Do you now understand something about him or her that puzzled you before? Do you feel any more compassionate? One of the things many people find helpful about the Enneagram is that now they take things their significant others do less personally. For example, the next time you spend the whole day painting, and your significant other comes in and only notices that there is a small smudge on the closet ceiling, you can say to yourself, “This not about me-- it’s just that he or she is an Enneagram One!”
Use the Enneagram Do’s and Don’ts as a Guide
Now that you have an idea about your significant other’s Enneagram type, it is time to look at the Enneagram Do’s and Don’ts Guide.
- First look at the Don’ts list. This is where you look for those words and actions that may be blocking your communication by triggering fears and defense mechanisms. Are there any behaviors listed there that describe some of your actions or words?
- Now look at the Do’s list. Here is where you look for ways you can help your significant other feel safe and open up to “heart to heart” communication with you. Do any of these appeal to you or feel doable?
Reflect on how you can eliminate some of the habits of your old style of communicating, and add something new. Research has shown that people need to hear five compliments before they can listen nondefensively to a criticism. One change you can immediately implement for all of the types is to watch for opportunities to offer sincere compliments as often as you can.
Practice of Compassionate Communication Meditation
Meditation is good for your brain, your spiritual life, as well as your peace of mind, but it is a surprise to most people that it can also be used to rapidly establish intimacy with others! There is a technique called Compassionate Communication which includes a meditation component along with other communication exercises and practices. This system was developed by Mark Robert Waldman and Dr. Andrew Newberg MD, coauthors of How God Changes Your Brain, and is being widely used now with couples, groups of people with opposing perspectives, churches, university counseling centers, and conflict resolution groups. Preliminary research data on this practice suggest that anyone can strengthen his or her neurological capacity to feel compassion towards others. The unique thing about this meditation program is that it combines meditation with real time communication as couples actively engage in dialogue. From a neurological perspective, this practice, similar to other meditation techniques, stimulates the anterior cingulate, which generates and regulates compassion and is the same part of the brain that is associated with social awareness, romantic love, the ability to recognize the feeling states of others, and a decreased propensity to express anger and react with fear.
The meditation sequence described below is something that can be practiced by yourself but includes an imaginary dialogue with your significant other. Many people report that they notice a reduction in stress and improvement in communication with their significant other after regularly practicing this meditation. Remember that it is only necessary to have one person committed to positive change in communication!
- Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably and be uninterrupted for 10 or 15 minutes.
• Sit down, keeping your back straight and your feet uncrossed on the floor. Focus on the rhythm of your breath, allowing your breath to sink deeper and deeper into your abdomen, and progressively relax the muscles in your face, neck, arms, hands, shoulders, back, legs, and feet. Then scan your whole body for tension and take a deep breath, letting the tension go.
• Visualize your significant other sitting across from you smiling. You smile back. Stay aware of your breathing as you hold a compassionate image or a loving thought in mind. Think about something you like about him or her, or recall a pleasurable or peaceful memory.
• Imagine having an intimate conversation with your significant other, between your best self and theirs. Say everything you want to say, whatever is on your heart. Listen for his or her response. Continue the dialogue until you reach a natural stopping point.
• Express your gratitude for this time together. Smile into your own heart, take a deep breath, and open your eyes when you are ready.
Remember that changes in relationships, like changes in the seasons, tend to take place slowly, growing over time. Remember that your desire for change is enough! Try to reflect daily on your significant other’s Enneagram type, your Do’s and Don’ts list. It is impossible to perceive the world from a perspective other than your own without a daily practice and regular reminders to let go of your own lens of perception, and look through someone else’s eyes. Try to practice the Compassionate Communication meditation daily if possible. Even 10 or 15 minutes, if consistent, will help. What many people discover is that while they began these practices for the sake of improving a relationship, they often continue because of the many benefits they reap for themselves, such as feeling more compassionate, peaceful, positive, and calm. May your heartful communications and “heart to heart” talks be abundant!
ENNEAGRAM DIAGRAM AND 9 PERSONALITY TYPES
Meditation is good for your brain, your spiritual life, as well as your peace of mind, but it is a surprise to most people that it can also be used to rapidly establish intimacy with others! There is a technique called Compassionate Communication which includes a meditation component along with other communication exercises and practices. This system was developed by Mark Robert Waldman and Dr. Andrew Newberg MD, coauthors of How God Changes Your Brain, and is being widely used now with couples, groups of people with opposing perspectives, churches, university counseling centers, and conflict resolution groups. Preliminary research data on this practice suggest that anyone can strengthen his or her neurological capacity to feel compassion towards others. The unique thing about this meditation program is that it combines meditation with real time communication as couples actively engage in dialogue. From a neurological perspective, this practice, similar to other meditation techniques, stimulates the anterior cingulate, which generates and regulates compassion and is the same part of the brain that is associated with social awareness, romantic love, the ability to recognize the feeling states of others, and a decreased propensity to express anger and react with fear.
The meditation sequence described below is something that can be practiced by yourself but includes an imaginary dialogue with your significant other. Many people report that they notice a reduction in stress and improvement in communication with their significant other after regularly practicing this meditation. Remember that it is only necessary to have one person committed to positive change in communication!
- Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably and be uninterrupted for 10 or 15 minutes.
• Sit down, keeping your back straight and your feet uncrossed on the floor. Focus on the rhythm of your breath, allowing your breath to sink deeper and deeper into your abdomen, and progressively relax the muscles in your face, neck, arms, hands, shoulders, back, legs, and feet. Then scan your whole body for tension and take a deep breath, letting the tension go.
• Visualize your significant other sitting across from you smiling. You smile back. Stay aware of your breathing as you hold a compassionate image or a loving thought in mind. Think about something you like about him or her, or recall a pleasurable or peaceful memory.
• Imagine having an intimate conversation with your significant other, between your best self and theirs. Say everything you want to say, whatever is on your heart. Listen for his or her response. Continue the dialogue until you reach a natural stopping point.
• Express your gratitude for this time together. Smile into your own heart, take a deep breath, and open your eyes when you are ready.
Remember that changes in relationships, like changes in the seasons, tend to take place slowly, growing over time. Remember that your desire for change is enough! Try to reflect daily on your significant other’s Enneagram type, your Do’s and Don’ts list. It is impossible to perceive the world from a perspective other than your own without a daily practice and regular reminders to let go of your own lens of perception, and look through someone else’s eyes. Try to practice the Compassionate Communication meditation daily if possible. Even 10 or 15 minutes, if consistent, will help. What many people discover is that while they began these practices for the sake of improving a relationship, they often continue because of the many benefits they reap for themselves, such as feeling more compassionate, peaceful, positive, and calm. May your heartful communications and “heart to heart” talks be abundant!
ENNEAGRAM DIAGRAM AND 9 PERSONALITY TYPES
Type 1 THE REFORMER fears “being bad” so is serious, responsible, uptight, overly critical
Type 2 THE HELPER fears not being loved so is helpful, compassionate, rescuing, manipulative
Type 3 THE ACHIEVER fears being worthless so is goal-oriented, successful, workaholic, self-promoting
Type 4 THE INDIVIDUALIST fears having no identity so is intense, questing, dramatic, clinging
Type 5 THE INVESTIGATOR fears being incapable so is observant, analytical, uncommunicative, reclusive
Type 6 THE LOYALIST fears being without support and guidance so is cautious, loyal, dogmatic, suspicious, indecisive
Type 7 THE ENTHUSIAST fears being deprived and trapped in pain so is fun loving, visionary, impulsive, scattered
Type 8 THE CHALLENGER fears being violated so is forceful, fearless, intimidating, domineering
Type 9 THE PEACEMAKER fears separation so is peaceful, patient, overly adaptable, stubborn
ENNEAGRAM DO’S AND DON’TS GUIDE
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